A Farmer’s Guide To String Theory

Now this is not to be confused with the Farmer’s Almanac and their weather predictions although the two appear to be quantumtatively unified. I think I told everyone I grew up on a farm in rural Maine. I pretty much played outside with sticks and threw rocks and snowballs, Maine has a lot of both. Unfortunately kids today don’t have that luxury, their imaginations are already made up for them on that electronic device, they just have to push the button.  I did some chores, cleaned cow stalls, baled and stacked a lot of hay, which coincidentally uses a lot of string, which leads me to what I want to talk about. This story will teach you everything you need to know about string theory from a farm boy’s perspective. There’s lots more to it but I am just going to focus on the stuff my brain can wrap on right now and important stuff that might improve your time on this here Earth.  I ain’t got all of those advanced degrees but I fill in the blanks with a good dose of creativity and Down East humor  It will include lotsa pictures, because those tell a lot of words and I am short on time, aren’t we all. You have seen some of these before, but humans are sometimes as stubborn as a cow in a patch of clover, so let’s begin:

It all starts with that black hole.  I can’t really say anything around the farm resembles a black hole but maybe a cows butt and I am going to spare you that picture, so let’s just go with this picture, although the actual size of the black holes I’ll be talk’n about won’t be much bigger than a fermi, give or take a few, in radius.  That just reminded me, I did a blog on less fortunate cows here.

You just need to know that them black holes, although they are small, weigh much, much more than my John Deere tractor so they react gravitatively, can shoot a spark like when the disc harrow hits a rock and have good suction, like Betsy’s new born calf

Although instead of milk, they suck entropy, ionize and condense their surroundings. The next thing you need to know is that black hole can form open and closed strings, sort of like this picture:

I pretty much figure they can do this by collapsing more matter around their surface, stringing it along, kinda like when that old barn collapsed down the road.

I figure that Hydrogen collapses like this on the Sun and then creates these particles and strings that stream our way in that there sunshine and solar wind, fool’n us just a bit.  I never used any Hydrogen on the farm, but sure would like one  of those newfangled Hydrogen tractors.  I’ll keep dream’n, maybe someday.

This is a bale of hay with a pair of closed strings hold’n them together.  I threw a lot of them bales, they hurt my hands with blisters and all and had lots of poison ivy in ’em at times that would make me itch for awhile. This is pretty much what I wanna talk about, those closed strings.

It appears to me that those open strings tend to close up, kinda chase’n their tail cause if you remember, they are real heavy gravitatively and tend to chase their tail, like my old dog towzer did.  Only I think they eventually catch it and close up, but I can’t be sure cause I can’t see the dag burn things

One day I was sitt’n on the back porch and dozed off and had this dream about these closed strings.  Only these strings were real good at hide’n and confus’n us, although if you look closely and forget what you been told, they pretty much look like strings. I think them black holes form those strings above our heads and maybe below ground and around the sun and all through this dag gone place, becom’n real energetic like a rutt’n bull in a cowpatch and mak’n little holes in things, like when my water tank sprang a leak after that last CME, only much smaller.

Anyway, I want to just quantumtatively expungiate onto this page the things in my mind that appear to be strings and let you decide for yourself if I ain’t crazy or not.  These string thoughts, if they stay in the head long enough will have you feeling similar to me I’m pretty sure, so I am just sharing these thoughts and feelings that been rattl’n round in that space between my ears and seem to pop up each morn’n I wake up.

These appear to be sun strings, hot stuff as far as I can tell, except for their suction actually makes them sunspots cool off something significant they are going into.

These appear to be solar wind and magnetic field strings, that artist actually drew them magnetic field lines like strings, what da ya know.

Now you remember Betsy’s calf and that real good suction?  Well from here on remember when you do real good suction/pull a vacuum in the atmosphere you cool the air down and make it freez’n cold.  And freez’n cold can turn humiditive air into clouds and fog and ice crystals so you remember that going forward, OK?

In my dream these appeared to be some high up strings, almost like a membrane but I ain’t smart enough for those yet, so let’s stick with strings.

nuctilucent clouds

A little lower are those cirrus clouds, they look like whispy strings, ain’t sure just how many strings are there, I think sometime’s lots cause they tend to show up just before big storms on the farm.

Cirrus Clouds

I ain’t never seen the likes of these clouds on the farm, if I did it would scare the bejesus outta me. Kinda looks like a loopy string though.  Looks like some good suction, Betsy would be proud

Mammantus Clouds

This double rainbow showed up on the farm during a real whipper snapper of a storm that jump’d outta no where, coulda sworn that light’nin was shootin straight outta that dark center but that ain’t in no Physics book at the library, at least not in these parts.  Wind also picked up fast, lotsa suction. Reminds me of one of those toroidal string things I saw stick’n outta a brane of sorts from last month’s string magazine and the rainbow ain’t just half of it.

That there waterspout came off the lake and pretty much tore up the vegetable patch. Pretty sure there’s one’a them dark matter strings up the middle of this one. It appears about ready to get all kinked up.  I found a link to the video, and even though the physicists don’t think so, the news reporters think it is a string and so do I, might even bet the farm on it. That reminds me of one’a them string jokes: An underage string walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink and he replied fraid knot…maybe I better stick to engineering.

Brunswick, GA Waterspout

This twister just missed the farm.  Kinda looks like mesovortexual strings up the middle of this one, I think they can be tangled up overhead too,  creat’n lotsa ionization and suction.

Here’s one of those there crop circles that showed up one night in the wheat field while I was down at the stomp and romp do’in a line dance.  Since it opened in my field, and if I didn’t know better that looks like black holes in strings hanging off some kind of P Brane lensing thinga jimmigy, then if I am right, I just want enough for a down payment on that there Hydrogen tractor from my book proceeds, so I better git to write’n.

Anyway, that reminds me, I need to call my buddy with the come-along and chains down the road to help me fish the tractor out of a dag gone sinkhole that opened up last week just before one of them hard pounding rains that never seem to want to end.  Should be dry enough now to get it out so I am off.

If I can’t get the tractor outta that Earthly indentation or if it’s all stove up I’ll have to go back to use’n my daddy’s old Farmall M with the hand crank that’s been resting out in the pasture and just got a new paint job.

Enough of that.

Godspeed

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

References
Copyright 2012 Stewart D. Simonson All Rights Reserved