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The Night Santa’s Sleigh Broke Down due to Dark Matter

October 9, 2012

I am reposting this blog from a year ago.  Man, how time, if it existed, flies.

Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were. But without it we go nowhere.
Carl Sagan

It actually happened to me when I was a kid.  One of those Snowmageddons, Snowpocalypse or Snowzillas around 1970 struck Maine and it snowed for 3 days.  On Christmas morning there was a note on the tree from Santa telling us that he had to leave the presents at our grandparents place in town due to sleigh failure caused from the storm.  Dad called a friend on Christmas morning with a 4-wheel drive Jeep with chains on the tires and he delivered the gifts to the end of our 100 yard driveway. My dad made a few round trips with snowshoes and a toboggan to get the gifts.  Happy kids, thanks dad.

Now that I have grown, matured and see the world as it should be through these new strangely bizarre dark matter glasses I now probably understand what really happened, although I think I like the kid image better:

Due to climate change,  the  moisture in the atmosphere was higher than normal and the oceans a bit warmer to fuel a winter storm. But that by itself was not enough.  It took a recent period of increased solar activity to pelt the earth with a dose of massive entropic dark matter particles weighing maybe 1E15 kg +/- but only 1500 fermis in radius. The particles entered the Earth probably within a few miles of the farmhouse in Maine (the sinkhole created over 6 weeks of orbiting was not discovered until the next Spring planting season), orbited through the earth and popped back out, probably in Europe or the Atlantic Ocean somewhere.  The particles formed strings in the atmosphere and telluric currents through the Earth.  As they orbited through the atmosphere they ionized, condsensed and collapsed the gas in its surroundings and formed closed strings of dark/vacuum energy.  They continued to do that for the next few weeks while their orbit slowly decayed through quantum decoherence and the low pressure system that formed where the particles were exiting the earth continued to gather and condense moisture and create one hell of a storm and low pressure system within their surroundings.

Unfortunately for Santa and his sleigh just as he was crossing south of town in the air, the sleigh passed through the arcing path of the massive high speed dark matter particle strings.  At first strike it passed right through the sleigh and only triggered a loose wire and electrical short circuit of his SantaNAV system but luckily he had a backup system provided from NORAD. Santa also noticed a quick jolt of gravitational induced severe turbulence. Unfortunately Santa’s route kept him directly in the orbital path of the oscillating particle strings.   On the second pass, now 10 seconds or so later, the massive particle string managed to create a spark in the gas heater Santa was using to keep his feet warm, triggering an explosion in the sleigh.

Luckily, Santa acted fast and brought the sleigh safely down on my grandparents lawn and the presents were safe.  Nobody even noticed the massive particle strings that had been orbiting for weeks before since they were such a good chameleon within their surroundings and were much smaller than a gnat’s butt.  Later, as the particle strings decayed and orbited their way towards the Earth’s center, an unusually bright aurora was seen as the particles were annihilated by other dark matter particles within the earth.

And to all a good night.

From → Geophysics

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